Steph

Lines from Sara Bareilles’ Bittersweet 

There is no anger, it’s just you and I and the truth.

The only love worth fighting for is one that you can win and,
That’s just the way it goes now.

And for love’s sake you let love end,
But I still swear that you were god sent.

And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away.
And that’s just the way it goes now.

Happy 20th to me:) Thank You God for everything, for everyone..
 

trying to enjoy the last months of my nineteen-ness.. but because i miss ian a lot, posted this email of her’s:

“Being Twenty-Something”

They call it the “Quarter-life Crisis.” It is when you

stop going along with the crowd and start realizing

that there are many things about yourself that you

didn’t know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will

be in a year or two, but then get scared because you

barely know where you are now. You start realizing

that people are selfish and that, maybe, those

friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t

exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the

people you have lost touch with are some of the most

important ones.

What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing

that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or

insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You

look at your job… and it is not even close to what

you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are

looking for a job and realizing that you are going to

have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what

others are doing and find yourself judging more than

usual because suddenly you realize that you have

certain boundaries in your life and are constantly

adding things to your list of what is acceptable and

what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the

next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest

force of your life. You feel alone and scared and

confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on

to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the

past is drifting further and further away, and there

is nothing to do but stay where you are or move

forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you

loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed

and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough

that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love

someone but love someone else too and cannot figure

out why you are doing this because you know that you

aren’t a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look

cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts

to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and

questions over and over, and talk with your friends

about the same topics because you cannot seem to make

a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a

life for yourself… and while winning the race would

be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this

relates to it. We are in our best of times and our

worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure

this whole thing out.

Send this to your twenty something friends…. maybe

it will help someone feel like they aren’t alone in

their state of confusion… ..

the other night, i was conversing with aisa and she shared with me her pre-mantra for next year..

Desire is the root of suffering.

and so we shall desire no more. i felt really better after our YM talk because i felt that i completely shared the same sentiments with another person, a friend in particular.

Anyhow, I traditonally wrap up the year that to-be-was (hmm labo.) so here goes:

amidst all the happenings in my life–

the bubble that bursted the second time around this year and it hurt but not as much- the coronary artery bypass graft ive assisted in-the post-mortem care i have done- the hospital confinement which gave me a 24 hours bedrest-my mom’s States-scapade-the new friends i have made-the deeper relationships ive delved into-the unsaid words i was able to say-the feeling i sense that this person’s born in April too (i promise i could guess!) haha- the things i tried to heal-the august that was my rock bottom-the misdiagnosed assumptions and dreams that turned to dust-the feel-good moments i was privileged to have-the new things i had-the closeness that improved family and relatives-wise-all the support i have gotten-the deep understanding of things i have been working out on-?and so much more i could not recall at short notice

from the bottom of my heart,?I thank everyone who have been a part of my 2007 and even before 2007. looking forward to a fruitful, colorful 2008.

with love, Steph

so we were attending the Sunday mass this morning, and it was just then that it dawned on me–it’s DECEMBER aka 2007’s tick-tock-ing already! i was insisting myself that i was too “busy” to even realize that all the low temp galore came from decemBER and not from all the typhoons invading us. when you’re from ust kasi, you tend to think first of the weather in time’s stead.

so anyways, my point is, Christmas is nearing. and as the first advent candle was lit in the mass, i questioned myself what I want for Christmas this year. Because Santa seems to consider me over-aged already, I decided to ask for something very simple this Christmas. And yep, it IS VERY SIMPLE. (please!) I wonder if God will already give it to me this Christmas. Actually, I had it already but I seemed to have lost it. soo…sana sana..

I’m nineteen, turning twenty next year. I feel as if I’m the same steph 3 or 4 or years ago. It’s weird.

there is one thing im scared of becoming of. im scared of becoming a grinch..well i guess it’s because, every passing year, Christmas seems to be less and less i dunno. so i just started Christmas shopping a while ago. got 3 already! woot. plenty to goo.. (i want to make things extraordinary this year)

oh, and i miss?friend already. come back home:D

apparently, ive been venting out my rants since yesterday.. bad days are just so “in”… .ok. so people do change, but why does it freak the hell out of me?! i mean, comeon, why do you people have to change at the same time, at this time? it’s just so weird! so itago natin “sya” sa pangalang amsterdam (he is a good friend by the way, and i just feel for my other good friends who happen to be his umm..admirers).here’s a background:

before, amsterdam is one of the leading philo class-”cutters” just so he and his friends can play DOTA overtime.

now, he actually turned down our peer invitation of watching a movie this nursing week because he doesn’t wanna cut. COMEON!now, WE, the goody-goodies who never did cut, plan to cut in the name of One More Chance. tsk

before, he’s one of the late-comers who’d ask me or his seatmates for announcements and hw and stuff he missed, but–

NOW, i mean a while ago, he just signed the receipt for our class shirt record (i was the one who’s supposed to sign it but i was apparently busy chit-chatting) and he even kept the class list that i was supposed to keep for tomorrow’s collection! but then again, he’s turned into some responsible guy i havent known since first day of class..before, he doesnt care bout floats, and parades, and school stuff

NOW, he even asked me to help in the making of our float because he was actually gonna help, but i decided to go home nalang cos it’s 6pm for heaven’s sake!

and the list goes on….! HE HAS CHANGED! WHY? because of this girl he is denying to be courting, who’s active in school stuff, and who happens to be my friend/acquaintant from the lower batch.

so deny all you can, but im just saddened by the fact that my other friends are taking some toll of that. it’s breaking their heart:( i know you have all the free will in the world, im just shocked as they are for this sudden transformation of yours. and are you aware, my dear, how you take us for granted? us–your true friends, who happen to love you unconditionally. it’s platonic anyways, but still!

true enough, you’ll never know their worth unless they’re gone. (include me there)

i am happy for you, amsterdam, don’t get me wrong. i want you to change. in a good way. it’s just hard to explain..

personally, change is just scary. and sometimes, hard to accept..

so im changing too, apparently. not just as freaky. haha. im more of, adapting in the keenest sense possible.

and one last thing, amsterdam, we’re not literally asking for your gratefulness for all our thoughtfulness and care and all that, we just hoped that you appreciate the immediate people around you. so that’s just about it. goodluck in that blossoming love life of yours while i try to keep company my friends that you apparently termed “just friends”.

so our professor in Med-surg cited that broken hearts literally break and grow some anatomical hole on it, which is baaad. it’s a psychosomtic sort of thing. also, broken-hearted people DO go insane. the mind is a powerful mass, you know. DISTRACTIONS of all kinds will be very helpful. getting a support system is one of which.

so i thank my friends

My goodness. can i just share. i just had to let this out. This is getting soo frustrating. What have i done to her to make her so hostile?! It’s so pathetic that they had to come up with things–FALSE ideas–and tell my grandmother about it. Why do they bother?! why do they even make an effort to notice me and talk about me? they’re getting on my nerves. i try my best to be sincere towards them because i used to care about their family. what on earth happened that they had to be possessed just like that?! im super pissed. get a life. to think that we’re of the same blood? i respect you and your mom. so can you please try RESPECTING me, my private life, and my MOM above all?? are you aware how your mom spread FALSE-out-of-this-world-rumors about my mom like fire? get a life, please? and will you please just mind your own biz and stay away from my sister because my sister is turning like you, for your sake.im seriously pissed. ive been patient for years now. so one more false rumor from you or from your asdfghjkl mom, i dunno. pls forgive me God. i used to love my cousin. i promise. she isnt just as lovable as she was. can i press my life button to reset??? i am affected not because im guilty but because i love her. and i cant believe that she turned out that way after all. it is so sad.cant ppl be sincere? is it too hard? if you hate me, then say it straight to my face, i would appreciate it. that way, we’re fightin fair in square. i dont care who you are now. i care about who you were before. just talk to me. what to dyou want from me. then maybe we can do smethn bout that.ok. so i need to calm down because i might say something way out of line. baaad. i gotta stick to my level of education. may all the forces of nature be with me. calm me down.grar.and to chris tiu, why??? haha. on the brighter side, at least im goin to see more of you. keep on inspirin people. you go, boy!and sht, goin back. naiinis talaga ako. and when im like this, i lose my focus. i need the beach.PS. to users, even though im gullible,forget about using me. gahd. get a life guys. im ok this way–mediocrity at its finest. because apparently, im striving hard to make some diff. that is why i put up this wall, a hundred feet high. i fyou get through it, my sincerity is yours.

so i take it back. i dont like our sched for this shift.

=anyhow, i definitely feel better today.=)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Toss up my heart and see where it lands.

slack time.

to reality…tomorrow, classes start again. i feel happy for i am to see my friends again. i feel productive because i have to be back in the game, ive got to get myself busy, work and study harder. ive got to do things for the college week. ive got to support our friend, lorenz for the coming mr. and ms. nursing.. i feel excited because november 14th is coming which means that One More Chance will be on screen. i feel anxious because im goin to have lack of sleep. again. my health is at stake since i have this hyperacidity going on. i feel kinda sad because even though ive pigged out enough and slept enough during the break, i wasnt able to see most of my highschool close friends. so anyways, i am well aware that im back to reality, ive got to put my head in this. and it’s just nice to enjoy studying. i can do this. we can do this classmates:D im also soo proud coz we’re still a complete CLASS after that dreadful semester that passed.im sorry baby.